Surfing

Every once in a while I like to read through all my posts to see if any of it is still relevant. Essentially, the theme of my blog is the transition in my journey from murky to pure – just as the growth cycle of the lotus flower. Beginning in muddy waters and emerging from the darkness with a strong foundation and purity that is seemingly surreal. So then why do I feel the need to delete some entries, I find myself asking… Well, myself.

Being an impulsive person, I tend to act on a whim when I’m overwhelmed by a deep rooted emotion, like anger or sadness or humiliation. Even though I act on a whim, I don’t act out… It’s all internal. Physical pain. My head would hurt and I’d have thoughts surging down my spine like electricity that, I swear, would make me glow in the dark. In that moment when it becomes so unbearable that I feel I’m about to do something stupid, or hopefully pass out – I write. Inspiration tends to be expressed in my drawings, and happiness is expressed when I sing. I’m a deeply artistic person, more than even I realize sometimes…

I can be very metaphorical and descriptive when the right synapses are triggered. Mostly, I write about things that resonate with me. Things that will stay with me for the rest of my days, because they’ve shaped me and form part of who I am and how I function. Those are the posts I will keep. But things that are superficial and ‘spur of the moment’ thoughts, are just that – temporary. They should be acknowledged and let go – I struggle with that. When I get an idea in my head, I become obsessive. It doesn’t leave my mind until I act on it. Planning has become a very good way of exorcising that demon, and it fuels determination. If the determination turns into passion, then I know that I’ve got something worthwhile. If not, the flickering determination soon fades away as if it had never even happened in the first place. Fast and unnoticed.

As I read through my posts recently, I picked up very dark undertones – anger, sadness, loneliness, depression, confusion. I try to eemotionally go back to those moments and I swear I can still feel every sensation on my skin. I can still taste the emotion I felt while I wrote those words – salty tears and the bittersweet taste of isolation. Indefinite isolation. I was alone and afraid. As much as I would like to accept full responsibility for that, I cannot. I believe that my brain is wired differently and that merely a select few can relate to this, because they too are wired this way.

These dark undertones, suppressed emotions and severely opressed point of view… It’s exactly what I hoped it would be. It’s muddy, murky and impure. This IS my journey and even as I sit here and frown while I type, I’m bustling on the inside. I feel almost free, my mind is still trapping me, but I can see the outside world now. I’ve gone from a closed third eye, to peeping through the lashes! I’m budding, emerging from the mud. It’s slow, but it’s steady!

They say it’s always darkest before the dawn. I’ve found my truth in this, it was darker than ever not more than a month ago. Pressure and emotions were t an all time high, and my future seemed as dim as I felt worthless.

In one of my previous posts I wrote about training techniques used in Natural Horsemanship: Pressure and Release. I guess my love of horses has caused my psychology to evolve accordingly. I chuckle about this now, but it truly is remarkable how accurate it is. I’ve been under immense pressure for most of my young life, most of the pressure from my mom and the rest from myself. Physical pressure – I can handle it. Mental pressure – Bring it. But emotional pressure… I’m weak. I can’t take much before I’m completely exhausted and worn out. Without knowing it, my mom’s pressure has been wearing me out more and more with each fight.

At the beginning of this month, I honestly felt like I wasn’t going to live for much longer. Selfish and stupid of me, I know, but I was so tired of being a failure, you know? Nothing I ever did seemed acceptable. It was either stupid or a waste of precious time, despite the fact that these things make me happy… I’m sure you’ll be able to see where the confusion and self doubt came in… All of that pressure from my mom’s side, 20 years’ worth of pressure, suddenly disappeared after that last fight… She said she would no longer do this to me, or to herself. She said she was giving up on me. Harsh, right?

Wrong. Twisted as it may be, I felt relieved. I had immediately gained a small sense of freedom – the pressure had been released and I was free to decide for myself. I was no longer being forced to decide. God, did that feel good! I feel liberated… She assured me that she would always support me, and she promised that she would not interfere again. She always keeps her promises. And you know what I did? I did what she’d always tried to force me to do… But on my own terms. Maybe we do have a massive trust issue between the two of u – she can’t trust me and I can’t trust her. Or could it be that she can’t trust me and I have yet to trust myself…?

Whatever it could be, I’m on my way to finding out. This feels good. I’m cautious and I have not taken any major leaps yet… I’m still testing the waters. Even though you cannot stop the waves, you can learn to surf and ride it out until things go your way. But as with anything in life, you have to learn to let things go. It’s a major leap of courage and faith, even when you think you’re “giving up”. It’s courage. Nothing less. My mom let go of the reins and she’s letting me roam. I’ve learnt that I can do whatever the hell I wish – I just need to let go of my fear and the slave mentality that I have locked myself in, and realize that I am in control.

I’m emerging from the mud, and I’m smiling.

It never rains, it pours

The definition of insanity is said to be the repetition of the same damn thing over and over, expecting a different result each time. I’ve been here before – suicidal. Except this time, when I think of the word, it catches in my throat and I struggle to breathe for a second or two. How dare I? I have no right… I have no reason to even think of these things! What could possibly be so wrong with my life, that I’d want to take it away from myself?

Maybe, it’s not myself I want to take it away from… Maybe, I’m not afraid of suffering the pain. Maybe, I’m just tired of watching and feeling you suffer for my differences.

If you think this is a suicide note or a cry for sympathy through use of vile self-pity, then you are sorely mistaken. It’s far from it. Try to understand this from my side for just one moment – I am not shifting blame or accusing anyone of any wrongdoing. This is a cry… I cry for empathy. A cry for compassion. I don’t want pity, I don’t want sympathy. I just want you to understand… Need you to understand.

You want to know why I completely shut down when you fight with me, for me… While you’re screaming at me, all I keep thinking is “Why does she hate me?”… It’s been this way for as far back as I can remember. It doesn’t matter what I try to do within myself – every 6 months or so, our relationship falls apart. The same problems are met with the same conflict, after which I apply the same measures to attempt to fix the same problem at hand, which only ends up in the same cycle all over again.

After however many years, these are the things that I’ve come to believe about myself: I am fucked up, useless, spineless, have no drive, no personality, no will to succeed, am clueless and stupid. As these words spin around in my head, along with everything you’re screaming at me, it dawns on me – I deserve this pain, this unbearable physical pain going on inside my head and inside my chest. I deserve to be screamed at and to be broken down this way, because that’s all I’m worth. Or at least, that’s how I feel.

I begin to cry because my capacity for emotional suppression has been breached and I can no longer absorb anymore of it. I am now filled with your raw emotion, and the emotion within myself that I am trying to hide. Because for some reason, I believe that I am not supposed to show any emotion, that I am not allowed to have any emotion. No anger, irritability or sadness.

Truth is, I don’t know how to act in a way that would make you understand that I’m hearing your words and feeling your emotions. I don’t think you’d believe me or even understand the amount of information that I actually take in from you. But I want you to. I wish you would. Because I want to show you love without inhibitions. I want to be confident enough to say stupid things without having to worry about how I’m going to process the subtle yet stern dismissal or rejection thereof. I need you to show me that you need me. I have to feel that I’m needed – if I don’t, then I feel as though I am only a burden and that I am not wanted here. That’s just how I am. It’s something that cannot be changed. I don’t want to feel like I’m the center of attention and that everybody loves me – I just want to feel important, like I actually have a purpose here other than to take what you’re giving and waste your time and energy.

You think I don’t give a shit about my family and that I show it very well… Truth is, I feel so fucking much that I don’t know where to begin or how to show it! I can only show it when my support is needed, or when someone needs me to be strong for them.

That’s how I generate my own happiness: By being strong for people who need it. I have a strong personality, but I show respect by being submissive, keeping quiet and doing as I’m told… Even when I don’t want to. I feed off of your energy, so I can sense an emotional reaction before it happens. Most of the times, the things I say come out wrong because I’m so incredibly nervous of the potential reaction I could get, and then it causes even more trouble on its own. Right now, I can sense that you will not be able to accept this, that you will think or feel as if I am blaming you, and that you think all of this is bullshit. Am I wrong? I have seen a vast variety of reactions, and you have spoken your mind countless times to me. I am experienced when it comes to you, I can predict how you would react, how you would feel and what you would say in most instances. Not all.

So yes, in our relationship, I am retrogressing. I am fucked up. But forcing me to change my ways is never going to make me change my ways. I am sorry, but it’s been tried and tested over the years… The results don’t last. It’s taken me years to realize this and even longer to grasp hold of barely enough courage to declare this to you. I’ve changed a ton over the years, because I finally decided I’ve had enough of a beating for the things I used to do. I eventually outgrew my rebellious ways and came to my senses. Because I finally saw that it would never do me any good. Whether you believe it or not, it made me stronger… It made me beieve in myself a little more. And I know for sure that that’s the way it’s always going to be – and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

ALL I’m asking is for your unconditional trust and love.Try something else for me. Try my advice regarding myself. I know what I need to be all that I can be, and that is to be loved for who I am now – not for what I could be if I changed a little each day. I know that I need to improve each day, and I work towards it everyday. Unfortunately, everytime there’s a fight, I am reminded of all the bad qualities in me. I don’t recognise it as constructive criticism. I don’t know how to use criticism in a constructive way.

Please… Just trust me when I say that I only need to be understood – once you understand, then I’ll know. I like who I am when I’m alone. I want to show you that person! I’ve grown and blossomed.

I’m happy, because when I’m alone, I’m always with someone who needs me.

No matter how well you think you know me, you don’t. You’ve seen glimpses. You know the miserable, moody and negative child I was. You know the impulsive, rebellious teenager I was. I don’t believe that you know who I am now, or what truly makes me tick. I am made up of countless little, seemingly insignificant things. The rest is too hidden, too complicated. Too long overdue… I’m sick of beating myself up for being the way I am, and not having the same emotionally communicative abilities as everyone around me. I am different, I have different needs, and I’m still figuring out how to help myself.

I want to be myself without being ashamed of it, and I’m only ashamed of it because of myself – I keep blaming myself for not being the same as you… For not being strong, analytical and goal driven… I look up to you, really I do. But I’m starting to realize that there is nobody that I want to strive to be, other than who I am. Not you, not my father, not even my biological mother. I want to find myself and be as unique and diverse as I am.

I want to declare what I want out of this life, without being told how small my dreams are or how I lack goals. I don’t care about money!! I want to do something that I’ll be proud of. Something that I can reflect on when my life is nearing its end, and say that it made my life deeply satisfying and rich, not with money, but with purpose. For once, I want to be pure.

I am not blaming you or saying that your misunderstanding of me is your fault. I am not saying that it’s my fault either. I was unaware of who and what I am until recently – until I truly realized that I am not, and will never be, a normal person. I you want me to adapt and be the same as everyone else, then I am going to tell you right now that it will never happen. And that is not your fault either. I am a broken, dysfunctional person – most of that is my fault for not opening my goddamn mouth sooner. But it is not your job to fix me. That’s my job. YOUR job is to love me in a way that will empower me to heal myself, because only I know where I need the most healing, and therefore only I can fix myself. Love me until I know my worth, and every dream you have for me will follow. I can see it, I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Trust me and believe that I will make a success out of whatever it is that I decide to do. Give me that, only that, and you will be surprised at what happens.

Just give me love in the way that I understand it, and the whole world will change. If you are unable to do that, then it will be best for me to leave – because this will only continue… This is self-destruction of the highest degree. For both of us, and it’s only a matter of time before it filters through to the others. I am sorry if anything said here has offended you, but this my deepest feelings bled out … This is my truth, and you deserve to know how I feel. I understand that this will probably break us, but I will hold onto the hope that this will make us. I know that it has that power.

I only hope that you will believe me.

Immeasurable

The pain I feel is almost unbearable…

Being an empath is no mean feat. I feel things at a much higher, deeper, more intense level – strange how those adjectives contradict each other, yet they compliment each other perfectly in this sense. I know, I know… What a shitstorm, right? God… I wish I could effectively verbalize exactly what it’s like to be the way I am – in a way that all non-empathic, left-brain dominant people could comprehend what goes down inside a right-brain dominant empath’s head and subsequently, the heart. And then in turn, how gravely it affects the soul.

Let my try, at least, to give you a taste of what it’s like to be me:

I am a right-brain dominant person – this means that I am completely unconventional and authentic in my approach to all the major aspects of life. I am artisitc and intensely passionate. I keenly take to metaphysics, psychology and the paranormal. I enjoy astrological zodiacs, horoscopes, conspiracy theories and all things alternative such as homeopathy and related sciences. I have crystal collection that grows on an exponential scale everytime I am fortunate enough to find a place that sells them. Money is no object for me – it does not govern my ego or happiness, but then again it brings me the things that bring me joy, so…

I love reading about anything and everything that the rest of the world deems disturbing, chilling or downright insanity. Basically, everything that I stand for or take interest in, is worthless to modern-day society and I will not be able to lead a stable financial life if I choose to pursue my love for these things. This is my first, and probably biggest problem: I am constantly being fought with because of my irrational, impulsive decisions and my impractical approach to my future. My parents feel that I will never be able to survive on my own, without them needing to be there to guide me every step of the way for the rest of my life – or at least until they ascend.

I can tell you now, with the most heartfelt and sincere tears of sheer pain in my eyes, that I will NEVER be able to spread my wings, or blossom, for as long as I am in their company.

My life has not been easy, growing up has not been easy. I cannot remember anything prior to my high school career, and even high school is a bit of a blur to me. My subconscious has developed in such a way that it completely discards memories that have been harmful to my emotional well-being. I have no recollection of any distressing events of my past, no matter how hard I try. All that I know, is the things that I have been told – and even though I am holding onto these tales for dear life, I do not allow them to govern my behaviour or justify why I do the things I do. These facts and stories merely allow me to understand why things affect me the way they do.

Having recently discovered that I am an empath as well, kind of brings things into perspective – I am incredibly sensitive. Things affect me deeply, but I don’t always show it on the surface. I get hurt by sarcasm and witty remarks, people’s opinions of me and the things I do matter to me, no matter how hard I try to shake it. I’ve taught myself to let negative comments slide the way water does from a duck’s back, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to apply that concept to the people that I allow to penetrate my protective shell. See, I have no inbetween… You’re either IN, or you’re OUT. I cannot let you in, “terms and conditions apply”, you know? Once you’re in, I am completely vulnerable to the blows that you deliver… So if you use sarcasm to get your point across to me, you will wind me and I will not be able to respond or recover until about a month later. Once you’re in, you have the ability and the power to damage me to extent of no repair.

With that said, the fact that I am able to tolerate the constant blows that I receive – due to people misunderstanding me, and not realizing that I understand their actions better than they understand their actions – is a goddamn miracle. I have unparalleled strength within me and a deep rooted trust, albeit that I do not have very solid self-confidence. I seem to have a very primal, instinctive support structure in place for myself and my mind must love my soul so fucking much, that it will go to any length to protect it – even if that means letting my body suffer… Yes, my body suffers. The pain is not only emotional or mental, but it reflects through my body and pulsates through my collarbones like an electrical surge that feels as though my skin might combust.

My heart feels as though it’s physically being squeezed so hard that it just wants to give in. My throat constricts and I feel a wave of nausea rush over me. Sometimes I even break out in a cold sweat and my glutes and calf-regions are covered in goosebumps. The electrical pulses flow into my spine and travels along all the major neural pathways in my body. It’s pain all around, and the level thereof depends on the level of impact that my mind and spirit suffers. Even though I endure all of this pain, my facial expressions seldomly reveal this and my mind cannot correlate or derive a suitable reaction in the moment. It’s almost like my entire being freezes.

I often feel drained, physically, and fatigued beyond rational explanation. I suffer from water retention in my lower limbs, constant abdominal bloating and my bowels do not move regularly. It’s almost like my body is constantly stuck in survival mode, even though I eat like a rich kid and exercise like a farm labourer. I try to lead a healthy lifestyle, but my emotional status drives me to give into temptation for starchy, sugary foods which leads to bad skin… So yeah, self-confidence is not where it should be, but I still try to be positive.

I have noticed a pattern developing… When I am surrounded by happy people, positive vibes are absorbed and I feel care-free and completely comfortable to be myself. I am bubbly and happy-go-lucky. Yeah sure, I say stupid things and make lame jokes, but that’s just me. I can be charming and funny, but I’m an overall goofball and I love making people smile. As mentioned previously, I am a passionate person and I feel deeply about people and the things I love. I suppose this is why my horses bring me such peace – I don’t need to say a word, and yet they comfort me unconditionally. There’s a shared level of emotional intelligence that goes much deeper as you venture on.

But then when I am surrounded by people who have heavy, burdensome emotions, and internal struggles, I absorb their energy and it consumes me… I suffer abrupt mood swings that completely disrupt my disposition. I struggle to eat, struggle to sleep, struggle to smile… I’m generally not a pleasant person to be around. I become irritable and temperamental. Easily trigger by the smallest things and when I lose control of it, I become a raging volcano. I don’t lose control often, but when I do, I just end up causing more harm to myself.

I suffer from depression. I suffer from periodic trichotilliomania. I suffer from self-mutilation at times, where I started scratching away at my skin to the point where my skin is inflamed and bleeding. When I have crying spells, it gets so bad that the pressure inside my head creates bruising on the sclera of my eye, both ontop and below iris, on the inside of my eye sockets. I cry so hard that I get raging headaches that cannot be silenced for at least 2 days after I have cried.

At first, I thouht all of these things were mainly because I was a hormonal teenager and I thought that all teenagers endured this… I thought that it was a phase. Then I started losing interest in my school work – the important stuff like Mathematics and Physical Sciences… I considered Visual Arts, Biology and History to be MUCH more important and I started paying closer attention to the symbolism in English and Art Literature… Practicality started losing its meaning to me, and I delved into an abyss of symbolism and deeper meaning. It was only last year, when I ventured into my early twenties, that I realisd that I am nothing like the people I grew up with.

I followed my instincts and read articles on metaphysics and psychology and it dawned on me that I am an empath – undeniably. As soon as the reality of this struck me, it’s almost like I was reborn. I started putting all my missing puzzle pieces into place and I started making sense of things. I discovered how to trust myself. How to support myself. How to understand myself. But most importantly, how to LOVE myself.

I know what I need, and I know what I am. But people don’t… Society doesn’t care, my peers don’t understand, and my parents think that I don’t understand. This is the root of all my suffering – how to make my people understand that I understand. How do I convince them that I know who I am and what I need, and that I will be better off without their help, when they believe that I am incapable of self-sustenance or success. How will they ever believe in my authenticity when I am a dragon fruit being compared to green apples …?

I love my family dearly, but I am not a family person. I would kill for them, but I find it terribly difficult to show them affection. I do not know how to show them what they mean to me… All I have is my words, which they cannot believe or take seriously. Maybe my differences have disturbed them so deeply that there will never be a normal relationship between us…? I do not blame them if that is the case. All I can sense is that there is too much bad blood between us, origin unknown to me, that keeps us from connecting the way we should. All that I know for sure is that I need co-operation, not governance – appeal your concerns and desires to me in a rational, level-headed, mature way so that we can discuss, compromise and agree mutually the way adults do; don’t force it upon me like I am a child. My soul is not a child, and I haven’t been a child for the past 22 years (if not more)… If you treat me like a child, and expect child-like behaviour from me, then that is all that you will see, no matter how mature I am.

I hope that you have been able to apply my analogy to some aspects of your life or to some people in your life… I urge you to take this information and make with it what you will, but do not judge a person who fits this description based on their actions, until you have walked but a mile in their shoes…

Hot Topic

Today, I stumbled upon something that could change my life forever. The heated debate regarding Rhino poaching, de-horning and the legalization of horn trade.

I commented on one article in particular, because it launched a direct attack on 2 very well-off, retired gentlemen who are making a massive effort to counteract the exponential decline in the populations of endangered species. For the sake of being professional about this situation, I will not name them or provide a link in this blog post. My intentions are not to shame them – after all, their website promotes animals and speaking up for those who cannot speak for themselves. It truly is an inspirational website with very informative posts that I enjoy reading. However, this one post in particular seemed a bit too heated…

The writing style, grammar and spelling throughout the article was all over the place. Words were used where they made no sense. Irrelevant arguments were raised, and names were spewed at various people – including the entire South African government. As an aggressive, impulsive person, I can clearly see the anger and outrage that the author felt.

There was no logic behind the reasoning and assumptions were made based on a lack of information and utter rage. Now, even though I can fully relate to this and I understand the grounds on which these arguments are based – I do not condone it.

Two prominent conservationist figures in South Africa were victimized based on their age (both men are 70 years old). This kind of disrespect is a terrible disappointment coming from an established cause dedicated to saving endangered animals.

The fact that the author of that same article attacked the South African government does not bother me at all. In fact, I completely agree with it. Our government is full of promises that they never deliver on. Our deteriorating economy is a direct result of the incompetent, uneducated and greedy people that govern this country.

As for de-horning rhino’s as a desperate attempt to stop poaching – I am all for it. Legalizing the harvesting and trade of rhino horns with the rest of the world – yes please, even though the author of the above mentioned article is undeniably against the idea. Before I run my mouth any further, let me tell you why I am pro-harvesting and legalization of trade:

Rhino Conservation for the sake of Rhino Production (Farming and Breeding initiatives) will ultimately lead to Rhino Rehabilitation. After a horn has been harvested, it takes approximately 3 years to grow back to it’s full size – naturally. Horn harvesting every 3 years will result in (give or take) 10 horns from 1 rhino in an estimated 35 year lifespan. 10 horns from 1 rhino! IMAGINE the annual yield from a herd of 800 rhino’s… Considering the worth of and the demand for these horns, by legalizing trade and exporting these horns, it will give the South African economy apowerfu boost and a sense of independence because of one crucial thing:

We SAVED the Rhino from extinction and South Africa from economic self-destruction.

Even though the rhino’s will not have horns to use as they would in the wild, this is only temporary. The natural glory of our iconic rhino will not be lost forever. The more we manage to raise the number of rhino’s, the better the chances will be of rehabilitating rhino’s into the wild (nature reserves), where they can still be watched over and protected, but most of all where they can live the life they were intended to.

Without any further delay, let me share with you my comment I left on the heated article, as mentioned above:

“Before I say anything, I ask you to keep an open mind about this and not attack me based on my opinion…

The statements you made regarding the South African government and all their empty promises, is 100% true. I speak for the majority of South Africa when I confirm this.
They are all talk and no action, and this in itself is incredibly frustrating. This is one of the main reasons why South Africa is retrogressing in ALL sectors.

I understand the points that you have raised in this article, but have you stopped to ask yourself WHY people poach rhino’s for their horns?
Yes, traditional medicine and all that, but also because of its worth. People are greedy scumbags and money is the root of all evil.

South Africa is a very rich source of rhino horns. The demand is sky high, but the supply thereof is non-existent. So it would make sense that the price for it keeps rising… Once the trade of rhino horns is legalised, it can ONLY promote the growth of our already deteriorating South African economy…
Think about it:
– Job creation due to increased opportunities of rhino production and breeding.
– Improved education since the experts in the field will be required to transfer their skills to the community.
– A rise in the rhino population of South Africa and ultimately, the world.
– A rise in South African exports – which will also aid the economy since different countries will be dependent on South Africa for this hot commodity.

I can literally go on about the benefits that this will have for the South African economy, but what concerns me the most, is the survival of the species.

The Big 5 is the pride and joy of South Africa! South Africa will be held responsible and frowned upon by the WORLD if we allow one of our icons to die out. Do you really want your children to believe that this ancient, incredible animal was a dinosaur…?

Didn’t think so.

Unfortunately, the exponential decline in the number of these animals that are still in existence has rendered this a crucial situation. We are at a crossroad. There is no time to worry about the aesthetics of the rhino! Industrialization is rapidly occurring throughout the country, making the need for farms, ranches, parks and nature reserves imperative. Whether you like it or not, people HAVE TO interfere to save this species. Even though it is due to interference that the species is nearly extinct.

What you need to understand is that there are different ways of interfering and that your intentions will reflect. If we interfere with the intention of saving the rhino – then we will save the rhino. Right now, we need to concern ourselves with survival. We need to help them survive by monitoring them and (unfortunately) de-horning them. Because (and let’s be honest) if it weren’t for their horns, they would not be endangered now, would they…?

Think about your actions now and look at how it will affect their future…

If we de-horn them now and keep them close so we can monitor them, then we can control the reproduction in such a way as to increase their numbers. IF the trade of rhino horns is legalised, and there is an influx of demand, then we will be able to generate that economic growth and financial backing that is required to fund the further harvesting of rhino horns and expand the land that belongs to the rhino’s. In doing so, we can steadily rehabilitate the rhino. This way, rhino’s will not suffer at the greedy hands of people who care about nothing but getting what they want. Rhino’s will not bleed to death in excruciating pain.

We have to use what we have left to make it work. SO YES, as you said, let’s stand together and make this work! By all means, this is a very desperate time! And desperate measures are to be taken.

The more control we as people have now, the more freedom the rhino will have in forthcoming generations. I sincerely hope that you can understand that.

Furthermore, I do not think that attacking Mr Varty and Mr Hume over their intentions of saving endangered species and putting emphasis on their age is a very honourable or professional thing to do…

I support you fully with your morals and values. And I too become very aggressive when an animal is threatened by the human race. I would really, thoroughly enjoy to do unto people what they do unto animals, but as a 22 year old South African citizen (by birth), I am TELLING you that you need to be here and experience what we are going through, before you can comment, in any way, on the decisions of the people who are actually busting their asses to SAVE animals.

With all due respect, I still thank you from the bottom of my heart for your intentions and the fact that you stand up for those who cannot speak for themselves.

Thank you so very much.

But please, do not degrade people in such a manner when you do not have a clue what these honourable men are doing.”

I feel that I was well within my place to stand my ground and voice my opinion. This my country. These are my animals. They are my pride. The author and publisher of the aforementioned article is situated in London, UK. So yes, I understand, this person is outraged by what is happening. So am I.

But making assumptions based on the negatives and preaching for the country and the people who are making a difference, is NOT something that I approve of. If you’re going to be angry – at least get your facts straight and conduct a goddamn interview before you start pointing fingers. Respect other people unless you have concrete evidence to prove that they are not worthy of respect. Lastly, if you’re going to speak on behalf of a company, at least convey your truth professionally.

Because if I hadn’t been more open minded, or tried to find a reason to support their cause, I would have been gravely disgusted and hesitant to even find out more after reading what they had to say about the people who know what they are doing for the endangered species of South Africa…

Fight your fight, but fight it right.

Communication

‘Communication’ is a term that is used very loosely. Much like ‘love’ – people only use it if deemed appropriate. Most of the time, ‘communication’ or ‘love’ has never been experienced, and the person uttering it merely uses it based on the premise of their own assumption. They do not know what it means or what it is. They have not felt the sheer force thereof and subsequently do not understand it.

This can result in very unnecessary things – an entire chain reaction that is destructive at best.

In intelligent communication, there are 2 factors that need to be in tune with each other for the transfer and processing of information to be successful: A Communicator and a Receptor. In human interaction, this is highly relevant – despite the fact that intelligent communication is a very rare ocurrence. The form of intelligence in question is emotional intelligence. This is where the majority of my bad experiences come from and I am almost sure that it is the reason for my chaotic internal disposition and depressed behaviour.

Allow me to use my personal reception as an argument.

Homo Sapiens communicate in variety of ways – auditory, visual, telepathic, sensory, verbal, etc. The most primitive and instinctive means of communication that carries 80% of a message, is through body language. Once again, I find that people associate the term “body language” with posture and facial expressions. Although these form a part of ‘body language’, it is not entirely limited to these factors. Body language also involves actions – and this is where hypocrisy stems from.

People say things. Promises of the most beautiful and wonderful things that are to come, and then they turn around and do the exact opposite. It’s all just a sales gimmick, if you ask me. If someone were to ask me about the things that bother me, or the things that get me down – an alarming amount of my whining would come straight back to my step mother – whom I refer to as my mom, because my biological mother passed away when I was 11 years old. I loved her an incredible amount… I’ll get back to why that is right after I explain this:

I am an introverted, right brained, passionate indigo child born under the fire sign, Leo. This simply means that I have a fiery will of my own and I strive to be accepted and adored by everyone I encounter, even if it means putting their needs above my own. I have a bad temper and an explosive disposition, but I seldom show it to anyone, because not only do I fear rejection and disapproval, but I am introverted and I find it hard to express my feelings. I am a leader, but I do not seem that way because I consciously choose to be submissive for the sake of being accepted. I am highly sensitive with a sharp intuition and keen empathy. I am wise beyond my years. I suppose you could say that I vibrate at a different frequency to most people, since people find it hard to keep up with my roller coaster ride of emotions and they can pretty much never relate to my situation. I have an intense passion for many things and I pour my heart and soul into whatever I want. When I want something, you damn-well better believe that I will get it, sooner or later. However, should I do things and I do not get what I was aiming for, then you’ll know that I never really wanted it enough in the first place. I do not care for modern day things – such as working for ultimate success and world-recognition. Or making billions and having a net-worth that third-world countries cannot even pronounce. I am an old soul – I have experienced many things in my previous lifetimes and the wisdom I have now, is what I have carried over with me from previous realms. My need for global success has been satisfied and all I want, now, in this life, is to learn how to satisfy myself… But I cannot get there until I have trained myself to forget that people use others to get ahead in life. Not everyone has the same vision as I do, not everyone is of the same intelligence as I am.

This is my problem. I loved my mother so much because she never denied me the things that I wanted to do. Yes, she spoilt me with earthly things such as toys and food. But I was a kid… When I told my mother about how I dreamt of becoming an archaeologist when I grew up, she encouraged me to go for it. Despite the fact that an archaeologist isn’t a very successful or rewarding career, she encouraged me to do it because she saw how happy I got whenever I found something unusual-looking outside. In short, she saw me. She encouraged me to pursue my art, because I have the natural skill and it brings me peace. She encouraged me to sing, not because I was good at it but because I enjoyed it. She encouraged my individuality. And I loved her dearly for that, despite her imperfections. She was the perfect parent, even though she was not the perfect example of a parent.

My step mother (or further referred to as ‘mom’) is the opposite. She is analytical and militant. You have to be successful in a practical way and never disappoint her. She is strong that way. She has high standards and will push you to reach them. I have a lot of respect for her – it really takes a very independent personality and strong mind to enforce your will on others.

It sounds sarcastic and mean when I say it that way, but believe me, any other way would sound the same. Regardless of how it sounds, I genuinely have respect for her. I admire her strength. Sometimes, I even wish that I could be more like that – just so that people would not have the power to hurt me the way that they do… She’s one of those people. it pains me to say that, but she does not and will never understand me. It is very unfortunate. We are very compatible, but something screws it up everytime.

I have my guard up with her. I’ve learnt to keep it up around her because the moment that my individuality starts to shine through, I am yanked in the mouth and pulled “back on track”, as she would state it. Now, I understand that she only wants the best for me and wishes me a successful life – this is why I submit to her wishes, for as long as I live under her roof. But this is the root of all evil in my life.

I cannot appeal to her my dreams of becoming a psychologist and a personal trainer, and having an art studio inside my apartment and lots of mineral stones and crystals which form a part of my multiple, unusual collections. I cannot speak openly with her about how passionate I am about Deftones or how much I adore bunnies. I cannot share my inner most fears with her. I cannot share my deepest secrets with her. And the thought of approaching her for advice, terrifies me.

There is a very good reason for this. I do not reach her standards. I have the potential to, and she knows it. This is why she is so hard on me and tries to push me to meet those impossibly high standards. I am seen as a child – which means that I can never voice my opinion because I am always criticized for doing so, and reminded of how wrong I am and how useless my life would be if I succumbed to my inner most wishes. She feels the need to guide me, because in her mind, I would not survive a day on my own if I am not the exact reflection of her…

Or at least that’s the message I receive. In actual fact, I am verbally reminded about how I can trust her to speak to her about anything, openly, and she will provide me with guidance without judgement. This is what is said, but what she speaks when she does not use her words, is a whole different message.

I understand what people mean even if they do not. So what my mom says to me, I understand. When she says that I can speak to her, I know that she means it. Sincerely, she means it. But as soon as I follow through on her word, it all turns around. Because when I do speak to her, I don’t tell her the things she expects or even wants to hear. This annoys her and causes her to erupt and stream down on me like the volcanic eruption unto Pompeii. I am rendered speechless, and seemingly blank. Blank, because I shut down – yet her words and actions penetrate my walls simultaneously. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming, that I believe every degrading word that is spewed through utter frustration, even though I am firmly grounded in my own truth. These things get to me. It confuses me.

It’s like I receive multiple messages at once, all sent from one communicator. Most of the messages I receive, are oblivious to the communicator because they are transmitted subconsciously. I am verbally told to do one thing, but the non-verbal messages that go along with it are not telling me the exact same thing as the verbal message does.

Can you understand what I am getting to?

I do not have Mommy-issues (it might come across that way). I have an issue with a person who does not know how to communicate effectively with me, or how to understand and be empathetic with me – and this person just so happens to be my mom. It could be anyone…

It is both a blessing and a curse to be a highly sensitive person. You understand what people are trying to say even if they cannot find a way to convey their message, but it is also very confusing when people have so many messages that they wish to convey, but restrict themselves to one at a time. If anything, I believe it is my calling to help people find a way to communicate more effectively with each other.

People wish to be heard and understood. For that to happen, someone is going to have to shut up and listen! That’s all that I have been doing, all my life. Shutting up. Listening. Obeying. Suppressing my own emotions and wishes. Now, it’s overflowing and it’s overwhelming me to the point where I need to burst and pour EVERYTHING out for people to see, to hear, to feel… JUST so that I can find the strength within me to take back all that I have given. To reclaim my forsaken self… I need to find a way to be heard.

I do not need advice. I do not need guidance. I do not need criticism.

I need someone to listen and to show me the empathy that I show to every single person I encounter. I need someone to care about my sanity NOW, and who I am as a person – NOT about my future.

I am confused. I am hurt. I am angry. And I am DONE feeling this way.

I have been a Receptor for so long that I know exactly how to communicate. Unfortunately I have so many messages inside me, that it will be incredibly confusing at first. But I am willing to take that leap, from Receptor to Communicator.

I only need a willing Receptor. That is all.

Unconditional

If ever there were a story worth telling, it will always be one involving a horse. I’ve always felt this way – since I can remember.

I’ve been obsessed with horses my whole life. I don’t know if it runs in the family or if it’s something a person is born with. All I know is that somehow, I have always been heavily drawn to them. A magnetic, gravitational pull that is absolutely undeniable. I wouldn’t say that I grew up around them… I took riding lessons and I drew horses all the time. Living on the 5th floor of an apartment building in the middle of the city isn’t exactly the best circumstances for owning a horse, or pony for that matter!

I worked with a horse at the ex-military stable yard for about a year before I started high school. Once a week, I’d go to the yard after school to groom and walk a lady’s horse. He was a beautiful Arabian named Rachmaninov – blind in one eye but the sweetest gelding in the world. He was an amazing teacher and incredibly forgiving of my inexperienced ways. I loved every day I’d get to spend with him. He was the one that allowed me to realize that I have a natural sense of horsemanship about me. Not because I am a fantastic rider, which I am not, but merely because my soul finds peace when I share an environment with these creatures.

I went on to study Equine Science after I graduated from high school and this is how I met the first true love of my life, and probably the greatest of all. Here is the story of Maluti, the most kindred soul I will ever come across…

When I first signed the adoption papers for the horse I have only ever heard of and never seen, I knew I was in for the time of my life. I knew he was a bay, that he was young, and that people feared him. His reputation was not a good one. However, I was so ecstatic about the possibility of having my very own horse, that I did not care what I had to do. Somehow, I just KNEW that he was meant to be mine and that we were made for each other. My faith in myself was put to the test a few times, as the youngster truly seemed to be out of his mind – MAD – as he would go on a rampage in his paddock whenever I entered it. He would charge and mock-charge again to test my guts. He would snort and kick out at me to test the limits, each time edging closer and flying past me in an effort to move me from where I stand. I don’t think I have ever experienced life more vividly than I did in the first few months of working on gaining Maluti’s trust…

He was a skinny youngster with an incredible amount of energy. I had a feeling that this was not normal for him – even though I did not know him at all, it just did not seem to come naturally. So I investigated the feed he was receiving, and to my horror I discovered that he was on the same grade of horse feed that top racing Thoroughbreds are fed – high energy feed for high performance. No wonder he was a nightmare!

Once I switched his feed for a high protein, high fibre alternative and removed all supplements and unnecessary, unnatural substances, his entire disposition turned around. This was when I started seeing a change in his overall behaviour whilst we were doing groundwork and bonding exercises. He was not wild or dangerous… He was just afraid. He had experienced severe trauma early in his life and this made him so afraid of human interaction. He would fear for his life everytime he’d be introduced to something new, but once he realized that I am trustworthy and that I would never lead him to his end – he started relaxing completely around me.

I have learnt so many things about myself, thanks to this horse. I don’t fully know how to explain how much this horse impacts my life, even today. He is the air that I breathe, every decision I make, every thought that crosses my mind and everything that I value. He is the essence of my well-being. There is an emotional connection between me and this horse that I thought only existed in movies or books. We have a telepathic ability and comfort each other perfectly. We fit each other like a glove, but in ways that are not visible to the naked eye.

People often ask me when I will start riding him… Truth is – Never. He has a spirit about him that I would absolutely hate to see tamed or broken. He has a fire in him similar to the fire that burns within me, if it is not the same fire altogether, and I have unfathomable respect for his soul. I respect his wishes and he respects mine. I think that is why we are so compatible. Two highly emotionally intelligent souls that have found each other after trauma and pain, and together we can heal each other without ever breathing a physical word.

I could never expect people to understand that he is not just my horse, but my soulmate. He is my partner, my mentor, my teacher and my guardian. He guides me even when I am nowhere near him. He is my Avatar. He is my twin. We are so much alike that people could never fully comprehend what I mean when I say that I love this horse. He is my absolute pride and joy and I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without him ever having been in it.

He and I… We’re living proof that there is no such thing as an impossible horse. He is living proof that a horse is not just a horse, and that they can be much more human than most human beings could ever hope to be. He has more soul and emotional range than any literature student or poet. Ever. Compassion and empathy – he has that too. His intelligence is immeasurable and his persona is strangely familiar. I would not be surprised if we were soulmates of another kind in a previous life too.

This bond is deeper than skin and bone. It’s more lively than flesh and blood. It can move mountains and elevate valleys. This love is unconditional.

Turmoil

I have been neglecting my blog for the past few weeks. My mentality has neither gotten any better than it was at its peak, whenever the hell that might have been, nor has it gotten any worse than it was at its low – which is an abyss, in essence. I guess it must be true then… An artist never finishes their work, they merely abandon it… However, that’s something that I am desperately trying to change.

I’ve let it all go, albeit not completely, the fact still stands… I’m losing my mind. I lack motivation to do the things that people shove down my throat. I have this innate resistance to authority. I have no motivation to pursue my studies and achieve great things. In fact, I’m almost retracting from it all together. The only thing that’s forcing me to see it through, is my fear of failure. But even then, if it so happens that I do fail, a wave of depression will wash ashore and go right back to where it came from. It’s almost like the things that people stress about the most in life, doesn’t phase me at all. Strange…

I just don’t want to be a marvel to the world, only to fade away when I die. I don’t want to spend my life fighting for the recognition and acceptance of society or a certain industry, and waste my life. Sure, it must be amazing to have fame in the prime of your life and to achieve greatness in your specified field. It must be even more incredible to discover new things in your profession and truly become a part of history… But… It’s not for me.

Maybe I am an old soul, who has lived many lives and experienced many things. I firmly believe in reincarnation – we are the energy of the Earth and everything around us. We live here, we die here, and we are reborn here. Over and over. Every person has their opinions about reincarnation and the afterlife, but all this #YOLO nonsense is not for me.

A recent discovery that I have made about myself, is that I fully fit the description of a Highly Sensitive Person – an Empath. This comes as no surprise to me though, I suppose I always knew what I was. I have been told by many spiritual readers that I am a “Healer”, I always interpreted it as being of a medical nature, but I now understand what they meant by it… I am a healer, here to heal myself. Although I don’t remember anything of my childhood, I do know that it screwed me up – mentally and emotionally. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why… But I have the ability to heal myself, and I believe that is what I am meant to do. That is all that my mind and soul is welcoming at this stage.

My Empathy accounts for my bad attitude, lack of motivation, mood swings, overall negativity and lethargy. It has allowed me to understand why I feel emotions that are unexplained at times, why I constantly battle with depression and anxiety and also why I have impulsive behaviour. Even though it is bringing me some relief, I am still conflicted as to how I must handle this…?

I cannot just drop everything I am working on because then it would mean that I am wasting money and I’d be disappointing my parents. I cannot just expect people to understand me straight off the bat! The only other thing I can think of, would be to bite the bullet for 3 or 4 more years until I am in a position to determine my own fate.

Independence and finance are not an issue. It is a matter of authority and respect that I will bite the bullet for – but if I feel that I am jeopardizing my happiness in any way, I will go my own way. Supported or not. If it breaks, and it’s ugly, at least I know I will learn, and heal, and ultimately be better off…

Floods

There must be some kind of glitch in my genes that came from my mother’s side of the family that encourages the suppression of intense emotions and subtle actions. It seems stupid when I actually talk to someone about it – but it adds up. Eventually, all the little things that I keep to myself cause an eruption of immense magnitude and it’s like my whole world comes crashing down. A wave of sadness and depression washes over me like a tsunami washes over a village. It brings me to my knees… And I don’t know why.

It is a tragic thing to be devastated and not know how or why. My mother was the same. Mentally and emotionally unstable. She was a very tragic woman with a terribly short life. It damaged me to watch her. I was just a kid, man.

I have been to many spiritual readers. Each of them telling me about a very short and tragic previous life, but refusing to give me anymore information – they claim that I have to figure it out myself if it is my destiny to know. They cannot tell me because then I will start to remember. Could I be carrying this negative energy over from that previous life? Is my soul unaware of the fact that this is a new life? Or was I so enveloped by the loss of my mother that I somehow sourced her remaining energy and let it infiltrate and possess my own…? Could these spiritual readers have been reading what I was holding onto? My mother…?

I am at a loss for words. I cannot seem to answer any of my own questions anymore. Why? I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know…

Right now it feels like I’m spiraling.

How did I come to this? I can tell you that much! I’ve always believed that everyone else is more important than I am. I’ve lied and betrayed people, all for the sake of always telling them what they want to hear. I almost never did what I was told to do, but I lied in saying that I did… That fucked up the most important relationship in my life – the relationship with myself.

I think I may have reached my breaking point. I’m such a mess that I’m starting to feel really pathetic. I’m starting to show my weakness, and it feels like I’m disobeying myself. It feels like treason. Because I’ve always assumed that I was supposed to be the strong one, the dependable one, the one that never showed any emotion, that always provides a pillar for people to lean against…

Now that I’ve embarked on a journey to find and heal myself, I feel like I’m losing myself more than ever… It’s probably natural to feel this way, right? I mean, I’m letting go of everything that I believe… I’m breaking my pattern and it’s scaring the living shit out of me! But I’m doing it… For me. For my boyfriend. For my parents. For the real friendships that will unveil themselves to me after this journey. I’m realizing that I have been something that I hate all my life – FAKE. I’ve relied on pretence to get me through each and every day, praying that nobody would try to crack open my shell. Now that I am the one cracking my own shell, for the sake of saving everything and everyone that means everything to me, I am seeing what they see. I am seeing what my loved ones see me as… Damaged.

It’s a helpless feeling, to watch someone take themselves for granted. I have never, for a second, stopped to think that I am doing exactly that to myself. I always thought that I needed to be less selfish. I’ve always tried to please everyone, but myself. I’ve always tried to get recognition and praise from people by doing what they want, saying what they want to hear, being what they like to see… How selfless is that? It’s the bad kind of good intentions. The bad side of being selfless. I’m fucking myself over the exact way that society does. Everything I stand against and raise my voice against, is the essence of me!

God, this is liberating! Liberating and yet so incredibly humbling that it makes me sick. Is this what balance feels like? Is this what it feels like to be in sync with yourself? Frankly, it’s giving me motion sickness.

In a way, I seem to be afraid of commitment. Not to anyone in my life, but commitment to myself. I have to stand back and think of me for once. Lately I have been yearning for a friendship or a bond with someone that runs so deep that it rattles my bones and shakes my soul. I’ve been looking for it in other people… What if I just need to look for it in myself? What if that is my caged soul’s way of reaching out to me? Crying out for help?

I think I need to form that friendship, that I’m dying for, with myself. I need to learn to love myself. Something I’ve never really done. I need to have respect for myself, and honour myself. Stand up for myself and support myself.

If there is one thing that I have learnt by hitting rock bottom, it’s that nobody is going to do what you can do for yourself. Nobody knows you like you know yourself. Depression thrives when you keep fighting yourself and everything that makes you YOU. For god’s sake, you have to learn your own value! Put up your standards for yourself and you just might surprise and impress yourself. I know what I am capable of – I just don’t believe it. I’ve learnt how to love people unconditionally, but those people need to prove themselves to me first. It’s time for me to love myself unconditionally for a change, because heaven knows that I have proven to myself, time and time again, that I am worthy. It may not be the kind of proof that everyone understands, or that everyone can fathom, but I can.

I do.

And that is ALL that matters.

The Purpose of Life

I’ve seen so many different kinds of articles and arguments regarding the age old question – “What is the Purpose of Life?” An array of different standpoints are taken, all well within their right and validity. It’s a topic that can get just as heated as a religious debate. Some people are absolutely oblivious to the meaning of purpose in this sense and others are harshly offended when it is posed to them. Why is this such a sensitive topic?

Personally, I don’t think there is one sole purpose in life. “Purpose” is a variable, in essence. Particularly in this case. If you think about it, every person has a different opinion regarding anything and everything – especially religion and purpose. I keep referring back to these two concepts because it really seems to go hand-in-hand. If you look at different religions, you will see that the purpose of life is to study your scriptures and live out the principles of your religion in order to grow closer to God, until you eventually ascend and join Him in the everlasting light. No matter how you put that statement, that is the common ground from which all religions stem. When you look at sub-religious groups that focus more on philosophy through spiritualism, such as Tibetan philosophy, you will see that the purpose of life becomes more focused on many things as a whole instead of focusing on yourself and your relationship with God. Tibetan philosophy has one major goal – to end the world’s suffering. Very similar to Buddhism, it strives for the well-being of the Earth as well as all its inhabitants. Although it strives to benefit ALL, the purpose is still unique to every individual since every person has a different path to walk in life. Much like the Tibetans, the Aztecs too believed in the conservation of the Earth, the creatures and the energy that flows through all of it. This is where the transition from “religion” to “spirituality” came in, I suppose. As with the Tibetans and the Aztecs, philosophy is a very broad spectrum way to look at purpose. I enjoy learning about gemstones and energy centers within the human body – the chakras of a being.

The Chakras have revealed a middle ground to me – equilibrium between religion and philosophy and each respective common purpose. The chakras encourage healing yourself by investing time and energy in opening your chakras, learning to love yourself wholly, and in so doing you learn respect for peers, respect for elders, respect for nature, respect for creatures, respect for yourself. As you learn all the lessons that you face on your chakra journey, it bring you closer to yourself, closer to your loved ones, closer to nature and closer to God simultaneously! (I’m sure you can tell I’m an absolute dead ringer for spirituality and chakra healing)

There is one specific “religious” group, if you can classify them as that, called the Humanists. I know very little of them or what they are about, but what I have read about their belief of the purpose of life pretty much sums it all up:

“There is no specific meaning of life. Everyone has their own meaning or meanings. Instead of looking to the universe for meaning, people should look inside themselves to discover what makes them happy and gives their own life meaning. The only meaning is that we give to our actions, connections, desires, and the legacy we leave for future generations.” 

– http://listverse.com/2014/08/16/10-different-views-on-the-meaning-of-life/

This rings an Atheism bell somewhere in the background. Atheists do not believe in the afterlife, the everlasting soul, redemption or salvation of any sort. They are very much “YOLO”. I completely welcome that way of living with arms wide open! I too do not believe that you should cage yourself and restrict yourself for the sake of a good reputation. For what? After all, if you have lived a life that you would live over and over again, given the chance, then you do not have to apologize to anyone for anything! So yes, I agree with YOLO. You do only have this one life in this dimension, in this time, right now. IF reincarnation is real, which I believe it is (the constant flow of energy), then one life will not be similar to the next or the previous. Every chance that we get is a different one, a new test. By all means people. Live like Y.O.L.O.!! 

With that said, I would like to voice my purpose in life: Finding myself and healing my damaged soul in order to live fully. I put so many restrictions on myself because of fear. Stupid, I know. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I have very unbalanced chakras… I need to open them and balance the flow of energy within me, before I will be allowed to open up and let the energy flow right through me – from the Earth right back to the Earth through others that I connect with. It must be such a beautiful thing to observe, to experience… It’s inspirational.

So for me, the purpose of life is to always have a purpose or a goal that not only benefits you greatly, but also refelcts well onto all that you encounter. Radiate positivity and it will come streaming right back to you.

Is this classified as destructive behaviour?

I consider myself an avid learner. I am fond of the stranger, alternative things – things that will not necessarily benefit me in any other way rather than simply providing me with a wide range of interesting facts to throw into conversation. I suppose these things give me the upper hand in a passive sort of way. What’s more intriguing than a girl that knows stuff about stuff that most people have never even heard of? (ego-booster, right?) This is somewhat of a puzzle for me, as I’ve come to realize that I approach these weird and wonderful pieces of information with a completely different mind frame than I use when it comes to the things that matter. For instance, I do not necessarily enjoy learning about chemistry as a whole, but I absolutely love reading about the biochemistry of serotonin and how it affects cognitive behaviour as a whole. After establishing my strange learning pattern, I’ve concluded the following: I truly am an artistic person. I prefer looking at the very fine detail and working from the explanation to the statement, instead of the conventional way which is statement to explanation. Weird right? Concepts are cool and all, but the fine print fascinates the hell out of me! Before I can truly understand something, I need to learn about all of the nitty gritty before the general rule or concept or statement is introduced to me. I’m sounding a little Dali here, but my understanding of knowledge put plainly in terms of architecture would be by decorating and putting the finishing touches on a structure that is yet to be built. Even when I read books, I have an intense urge to find out how it ends before I can continue with reading deeper into it. Is that classified as destructive behaviour? Concepts simply don’t interest me if I don’t know what makes it tick… In the event that it does intrigue me, I would start my research based on keywords such as “benefits” or “facts” and as I read more and more about the interesting parts of the subject matter, I begin to form a very vivid and colourful understanding of it until, eventually, the main concept of it is very obvious to me. I would not necessarily say that this is a problem for me, however it takes a lot of time and energy this way. It’s an inverted climax, an implosion if you will. I am not sure what to make of it… Do I become a researcher or an analyst and bask in my talents of deciphering the mysteries of the complex explanations of stuff! Will it bring me success, or will I have to adapt forcibly to the standards of education and conform to the norm of stating the rule and then venturing into the details…? (That seems very boring to me, by the way.) This is a new section of my thoughts that I have just discovered and I’m not entirely sure how to handle it. I feel liberated that I’m not the plain Jane that I thought I was, however at the same time I feel bummed because the majority of society doesn’t have the intellectual capacity required to follow my way of thinking, and thus I  would have to conform to meet those standards and not vice versa…